MY BOGGY BLOG: find your way through the murk

Rat on My Shoulder

Happy Halloween! October has not been a particularly bloggy month for
me, mainly because of the slump I've been in. Yes, the bogginess of
depression, and dealing with school issues, mainly younger DS's class.
After he'd been in school a month, and we'd had a very positive
conference with his very nice teacher, she unexpectedly quit the next
week. This alone was hard to deal with, but then the principal
replaced her with a brand new, just out of college teacher, who really
has no experience. She seems very nice, but there are some difficult
kids in this class and the room has been very chaotic, with lots of
behavior problems. I've spent some time in the room, shared my
concerns with the principal, and he really wants to give this teacher
a chance. I've felt a lot of anger and disappointment and
powerlessness. At this point I'm willing to see if it gets better. I
just want my son to have a good year, to learn and be challenged! I
really hope this will be the case.

I had a little Halloween fun this morning, taking our albino rat
Snowball to school, just riding on my shoulder. She has been a bit
neglected in the getting played with department for awhile, and I had
to bring in a paper that older DS had left at home, so I figured, if
you can't walk around with a rat on your shoulder on Halloween, when
can you? She did pretty good, seemed to like the stimulation, and I
visited each of my kids' classrooms, surprising everybody. Some people
get freaked out about rats, and others just do the "she's so cute"
thing. Our science teacher friend had always told us that rats were
great pets, very intelligent and affectionate and all, and I really
didn't believe her until we had Snowball. We've had gerbils and still
have a hamster, but the rat is definitely the one with the most
personality, the one who springs to life when you walk by her cage,
begging to be played with. Too bad I wasn't yet wearing my vampire
costume, too!

Bleah

Where have I been? Bleah, I am loathe to mention it, but I've been
slumping through another bout of depression. I just hate it, and when
I think of trying to talk or write about it, I think I come off
sounding all whiny and pathetic... okay, I realize this is all part of
the depression. So I will write about it any way, since not writing
about it sure hasn't been helping.

Mostly it all feels like a cycle of hopelessness, that any work I do--
writing, housework, whatever-- just doesn't matter and will never
amount to anything. I actually have been writing, working on my novel
(which is amazing considering this mood!), but I feel bleak and
doubtful of what I'm doing while I'm writing. With housework, I do the
bare minimum to get by, my dark mood sending through thoughts that
there is too much to do and I will never get done, that the jobs are
too big, that I'm a slimy worthless heap o' dung for letting things
get this bad. Lethargy goes hand in hand with my depression... feeling
like I just can't get up and get active at all. I've totally fallen
off the wagon with getting exercise (another thing to beat myself up
over) and I weigh the most that I ever have in my life (ditto). Urgh.
I just hate how I feel right now.

And what is the way out? Well, yes I'm taking my antidepressants.
Maybe I do need to talk to the doc about a higher dosage. But there
are definitely other things I can do that may help. I know that
starting to just be kind to myself is a major help-- allowing myself
to have these feelings, stepping out of the shame-and-blame cycle and
just trying to do very nurturing self-talk. let myself have a retreat
day where I only do nice things for myself, spend time doing what I
want. And here my Not Nurturing self-talk starts stepping in and
telling me what a wimp I am for needing such special treatment. Sigh.
But I do. I have this awful thing called Depression and I do need some
special treatment right now. And that is okay. And denying myself
special treatment sure doesn't help me, or get me back to being a
productive member of this family. Listening to these mean, nasty tapes
that play through my head does not do a thing to help me or my family.
So go away, mean voices. I'm going to do what I need to do for me
today. Wish me luck...

A Reader's Delight

Yesterday I finished reading Kate DiCamillo's The Tale of Despereaux--
a fine and beautiful and very satisfying book to read. As I closed the
book with a sigh, I arrived at that Very Special Moment. All you
readers out there know what I'm talking about, that moment when you
have the pleasure of finishing one excellent book and then must decide
what to read next. If you're like me, then your pile of Books to Read
grows much faster than you can keep up and towers very high indeed.
This is not a problem, in fact, it is the way I like it. And now, at
this delicious moment, I run my fingers over the spines to see what
sparks my interest, which flavor I'd like to try next. Some books have
been in this pile an awful long time, but they wait for me patiently.
Others, the newer, flashier ones, will never even make it to the
pile... I must read them right away. Each book is wonderful in its own
way, a promise of a story I can curl myself up into. Books nourish me,
enrich my life, are a sparkling treat. Is it any wonder I want to
write books?

Fall & Summer

We've had a mix of fall and summer this week. After having a frost at the end of September, we rose into the mid-80's this week, a little heat wave after I'd already gotten used to cool-weather clothing, after DH had taken out the window air-conditioners, after I was ready for summer to be gone. I wasn't in the mood to "Think Summer" when most of my garden is crispy, crushed and slain. There are mums and asters, at least. And this is one of those times when the beauty of living in a mature city really shines through, with trees making towering tunnels of gold and red and brown to drive through. Gorgeous.

It's been a funk of a week for me, with too much going on, every night
a busy one with meetings and outings, making our goal to get the kids
to be in bed and actually fall asleep by 9 PM impossible. Our kids
never want to go to sleep, read in bed and goof, and are often still
awake in bed at 11 PM. I know this isn't unusual kid behavior, wanting
to stay up late, but oh, the mornings are pretty pathetic around here,
with sludgey, grouchy kids fighting to stay till the last possible
moment in that same bed they didn't want to sleep in the night before.
They need more sleep. And I need our mornings to go more smoothly
because it is a partucularly awful way to start your day, yelling so
much at the kids to get ready. So we've been trying to instigate being
in bed by 9 PM with no books, to tapes, no goofing and no lights on.
They still fight it and still stay up later than you think they would
in such a circumstance, but we were starting to see improvement the
week before last. But last week it all blew apart with all the
busy-ness. Time to try again.

One of the things that kept last night busy was DD and older DS
needing to participate in their church school class. Now that they are
in 7th grade, they are a part of the Youth Program in our Unitarian
Universalist Church ([1]here's a UU link if you're curious about this
religion). In 7th grade, they have a program called "Our Neighboring
Faiths," and kids learn about a variety of other religions to enrich
their own knowledge base and help them on their own spiritual journey.
Jewish, Muslim, Buddhist, Native American, Catholic... I can't
remember what else, but the kids will attend a religious service for
each one, and have discussions before and after. Last night was our
first one, and we got to go to Temple Israel, a reform Jewish
congregation. We had a wonderful docent who talked to us about Judaism
and the services, and answered our questions. We attended a more
relaxed family type of service (it was a special service, not the
usual longer Jewish service), and we had about 29 kids and many adults
there to chaperone. Really, it was an amazing experience and a real
opportunity to learn about another religion that I'd heard a lot about
but never particiapted in. I really liked the tone of the service, and
how nurturing and respectful the Jewish religion is. Not that I'm
converting or anything... but I can definitely weave in strands of
what spoke to me there into my own spiritual collage.

References

1. http://www.uua.org/aboutuu/uufaq.html

William Steig

Children's author William Steig died last night at the age of 95. I am
so bummed! I had no idea he was that old, but I've enjoyed the zany
quirkiness of his children's books for years. He wrote the book
"Shrek" that the blockbuster movie was based on, but the movie is
really nothing like the book, which is a wonderfully creative and
twisted story. This morning I discovered [1]William Steig's website,
and it is a fun place for kids and adults. I urge you to check it out
to learn more about this creative genius who gave so much to the
world.

I'm head-achey and depressed this morning, just one of those dark
moods when there seems to be a gray cloud directly over my head and
following me around magnetically. I'm not sure what all this is about,
except that we actually have a weekend ahead which is mostly free of
busyness. A steady stream of events and activities has been the norm
for the last few weeks, so now that there is free time, maybe I have a
chance to delve into my feelings more... the thought of having no
distractions from feelings can be offputting to me. I did sign up to
do a writing marathon for 5K words this weekend (especially
appropriate because the Twin Cities Marathon (running) will be going
by, two blocks from my home, Sunday morning. Perhaps I will go out
with a lawn chair and a notebook and sit beside the stream of runners
while I write in my own marathon. That might be kinda cool.

So, I'll see where all these feelings lead, see if I can untangle the
knot and find some clarity with this gray cloud. First off, that cup
of coffee...

References

1. http://www.williamsteig.com/

Proud Mama

Kids were off school today, for teacher conferences. So we had the joy
of hearing teachers praise our children, lucky us. Older DS and DD,
now in 7th grade, had great conferences which stood in contrast to
last year, their first year of middle school and first year with these
teachers they will have through 8th grade. It was a big year of
transition, with planners students needed to write in and careful
grading of assignments. School had always come easy to these two, but
teachers hadn't quite had the expectations for accountability that
they did in middle school. So we watched our two flounder a bit, learn
to pay attention to teachers giving assignments, learning how to
organize their work and be sure to turn in all assignments. It was a
big sigh of relief to see that they have now gotten the hang of the
system and are doing fine.