MY BOGGY BLOG: find your way through the murk
Notes from the Homefront -- Theresa Jarosz Alberti, writer and mother... http://sapphire.albatross.org
Where has August gone? Where has summer gone? We are here, on the
verge of September and back-to-school, and I'm in one of those weird
time warps because the summer has seemed so long and so short, all at
the same time. The kids and I went to the school open house last week,
met and talked to teachers and saw classrooms, and it was like we had
never had a break. But now all the kids are older and noticeably
taller. And some teachers are gone or have changed positions... change
is hard!
The last two weeks were my big taste of Single Parent Life. DH was
gone to El Paso on a business trip, so it was 11 days and 11 nights of
Only Mom. It was hard because there was no one to "take over" when I
needed to leave or have a break. But it was good because I learned
that I can do it; I didn't do it perfectly or even with a lot of
sanity, but I did it. And I was so happy to see DH walk in the door on
Friday-- for many reasons!
Today we went back to the State Fair, since DH wasn't with when we
went last time. It was good to go again-- still a bit too much whining
about when we would visit the arcades by youngest DS, and too much
whining about going home by DD as the afternoon wore on. We ate even
more fried foods, the boys went into a haunted house based on The
Mummy, walked through the technology, art and agriculture buildings,
walked through the International Bazaar when it wasn't too busy (I
hadn't been there in years, and there was more cool stuff there than I
realized), let the kids finish off their ride tickets at The Midway.
One of my favorite stops was seeing many brand new baby animals at the
new animal birthing center-- piglets and cows and lambs and ducks and
rabits (etc.) all just a few hours or days old. I stood by older DS as
we waited to pet baby lambs-- he has always had an extra vibe where
animals are concerned, very interested and nurturing with them. We
both petted a mother cow who licked us with a warm wet tongue that
felt amazingly like sandpaper.
Tomorrow we really have to get our act together and gather up school
supplies and make sure there are some clean clothes to wear... school
starts on Tuesday!
I've been in a funk today. Is it just the ups-and-downs of Motherhood,
or the voices of perfectionism or what? Maybe both. Motherhood just
seems like such a rollercoaster ride of emotions... there are the
moments when I feel together and powerful, an accomplished woman doing
the dance of nurturing my kids, making our lives tick, making sure
we're fullfilled on many levels (social, emotional, educational). At
those times, I'm doing the best that I can and I know it, and that's
okay.
Other days (or it could be one hour later) I'm dragging my ass,
annoyed by bickering kids, giving in to them so they'll just SHUT UP!,
feel like an utter failure because I've let messes build up around me
or spent too much at Target. I'm sure I'm screwing up my kids' lives
and am possibly one of the worst mothers in the world, especially
since I seem to be lacking the gene that enables people to keep up
with laundry in any reasonable fashion ("I have no clean underwear" is
a common morning mantra in our house).
It's like driving into a pothole, this moodshift, causing the whole
mama-van to break down.
You might say it's just hormones, or general neurosis, underlying
depression or stinkin' thinkin'. As crazy as I feel sometimes, I'm
guessing I'm not the only one who can relate to this Motherhood
Rollercoaster. I hear about various levels of it in mothers that I
speak to all the time. We are all doing our best and really thoughtful
about the ways we nurture and guide our kids... and yet full of doubt
and self-criticism, sure we are failing in some major motherly way.
My therapist tells me to trace these whirling thoughts back to the
underlying feelings... of course, it's all FEAR that I'm just
downright bad and unworthy because I've fallen short of some
unrealistic standard in my head... and the SHAME of falling short of
perfection-- how others will see me and judge me, especially my kids
as they age. I simply do not want them to think I was a bad mother to
them in any way.
Good mother, bad mother. The problem lies in the labels, the
categories, the black and white definitions. There is no place to just
BE, just a MOTHER, just who I am. It comes back to me reminding
myself, once again, that the point of this journey is not to end up in
some Perfect Mother category, but to have relationships with my
children that allow them to be who they are and me who I am. And if we
hurt one another along the way, to find a way to communicate that, and
to make peace and heal. That is what was lacking from my own
childhood. And that is the real goal, the real way to smooth out some
of the bumps on this Rollercoaster Ride of Motherhood.
As I sit here in the cool morning hours, I can hear the snap of an
occasional falling acorn from my neighbor's oak tree onto our
sidewalk. A sure sign that summer is waning and Fall is right around
the corner.
Our mini-heat wave finally broke and we had two beautiful days in the
80s. We went to the State Fair yesterday, an annual tradition, this
time the kids and I went with my family since DH is out of town. I
wondered about the sanity of going with a large group (in total, 7
adults and 6 kids and a baby), but it turned out pretty well. It is
fun to be with little kids, to have them holding your hand, to watch
all the interactions between my kids and their little cousins. It
wasn't always fun trying to figure out where we were going or how we
would meet up again when we separated for awhile, but for the most
part it worked. We had our fried cheese curds, corn dogs, french
fries, mini-donuts...okay, so everything we ate was fried! The joys of
the Fair! And there was the Giant Slide, the Education Building (where
you get lots of free stuff like pencils and rulers and cards with your
name typed in Braille). Younger DS was focused on the video arcades
and the rides, so he was quite whiny until we got there.
Unfortunately, the rides are even more expensive than last year,
mostly $3.00-$4.50 apiece, so I had to limit the kids to two each, and
even that was Ouch! The Fair is no place to indulge in rides unless
you are independently wealthy.
Now we are heading into the last week of vacation before school
starts. Summer has felt long to me this year, probably because we
didn't do much of anything. But somehow, that has been okay. We had
some fun, and I did get an amazing amount of writing done (for me!).
I'm not looking forward to the getting-up-for-school morning routine,
but having some day hours to write alone will be nice. For now, we'll
see what we can squeeze into the last week of vacation!
Another hot summer day... we've been in the 90's all this week, high
humidity. We have two small air-conditioners, both of which are able
to cool off about 10 square feet. It does take the edge off the heat
while sitting in the living room or sleeping. Otherwise we have our
fans going... which just isn't enough sometimes. So the kids and I
hauled off in our small tin oven of a car to swim for the third day in
a row. This time we went to the lovely Highland Pool, an outside pool
area with three pools-- a wading pool, a large swimming pool, and a
diving pool with two low diving boards and one high dive. The temp of
the water was absolutely perfect, the sun shone and we were cool and
happy. What's nice is that the pools are heavily lifeguarded, and my
kids are good swimmers and getting older, so I can sit on my towel and
read my book, carefree, when I tire of swimming. Ahh, indulgent
luxury!
It's hard to believe the State Fair starts tomorrow. That is always a
sign that summer is slipping away. But it is hard to begrudge the
Fair... it is always such a fun time!
Today was Quintessential Summer, 95 degrees with high humidity, any
movement brings sweat to your forehead. Had to drive around in our
unconditioned little Metro with the kids because our van with a/c is
in the shop. We went to Lake Nokomis for a swim, because it was one of
those days when swimming is about all you can think of doing. And it
was lovely-- there was no need to get used to the water, as it was the
perfect temp and felt so refreshing. I love swimming, and my three
kids do as well. I think we could stay at the beach all day and they
would not get bored.
But oh, they are getting punchy-- I mean, literally sometimes! They
are fighting more, lashing out more, bickering and squabbling more,
complaining more. I think we are all going to be ready-- on some
level-- when school starts.
We haven't done much on a grand scale this summer. A lot of hanging
out, swimming at the Y, playing with friends, reading Harry Potter. We
would have liked to have another road trip (like our big driving tour
of New York State three years ago), but we weren't able to make it
happen. No camping either, but we may be able to get in a weekend trip
this fall. But I think we are all okay about the summer. Very low key.
Last night, I asked DH to come sit out on the lawn swing with me. It
was just turning dark, the mosquitoes weren't biting much and you
could hear all the crickets chirping and the cicadas with their wild
electric buzz. We are lucky to live by a river in the city, so we have
the best of the city, and some nature tossed in too-- lots of big
trees on our streets, wooded walking paths by the river... For a
moment we could sit and swing and hold hands, feeling the heat of the
day cooling, listening, taking the moment of summer that was here for
us. It felt like a mini-vacation. Sometimes that is the only vacation
you get... and for now, that's okay.
What can I say about my 20th class reunion last night? Out of a class
of over 500 graduates, only about 50 showed up... and *none of them*
were the kids I had talked to or hung out with or were lab partners
with or anything! I don't know that I'd label everyone there as The
Popular Kids, but they were all of a crowd other than mine. So instead
of walking through the crowd, seeing a face and exclaiming, "Hi ___!
Good to see you! What have you been doing with your life?," my old
buddy C. and I sat at a table and chatted, walking through the crowd
every once in awhile to see if Someone We Knew had shown up yet, and
then continuing our chat.
It was kinda comic, kinda depressing, kinda puzzling, ya know?
The real bonus and saving grace of the whole reunion thing is that it
was the impetus for C. and I to get back in touch. We had fallen out
of touch several years ago when kids came along, but now she is on
email (such an easy form of communication for busy moms!), and we got
together with our kids a few weeks ago (mentioned in a previous blog)
and everyone got along smashingly well. This new start-up to an old
friendship has been truly rewarding, and it was well worth it to shell
out $50 for a sucky reunion. And even though it wasn't a Reunion for
us of old classmates and buddies (felt like we were at someone else's
reunion!), it was a Reunion for our friendship, and I had a great time
catching up with C., joking about our past and filling each other in
on our Now Lives. In that respect, I had a great time!
The set up of the reunion was actually nice-- decent food, door
prizes, a video presentation showing old high school footage and the
principal and some teachers we had reminiscing. I do applaud those who
put in the work to assemble the reunion. Still, I'm left with
lingering questions...
Why did so many people choose not to go? The 20th reunion is supposed
to be a biggie, with everyone now much wiser and letting down their
guard. I didn't find that to be the case. Was the price prohibitive--
$50 for reunion plus dinner, not including spouses (we left ours at
home)? Did people just not care? It all remains a mystery.
Two Flew Away-- This morning I looked in our butterfly aquarium and
noticed that one monarch butterfly had hatched from her chrysalis. She
was hanging upside down, and we had to rush off to the kids' dentist
appointment, so we all looked at her a minute before leaving, and made
a note to release her when we got back. By that time, another
butterfly was waiting for us, so DH got his camera and we carried the
aquarium outside. In our past experiences with releasing butterflies,
they hang around for awhile and sit on your finger and pose for
pictures... well, before DH could put his camera to his eye, the two
monarchs took off, ready to fly and high on the breeze in seconds. We
were sad to have them leave so quickly, but it is always a release, a
joy, to watch them fly away freely, knowing we have kept them safe and
now they can do their butterfly thing!
Two more chrysalis left. Maybe by Monday they'll be ready to hatch,
too.
Other notes of the day: another hot and muggy one, making me feel
lethargic. Children are VERY crabby after staying up till 1:00 am and
being woken up to go the the dentist (we went to a drive-in last night
and saw "Freaky Friday" and "Pirates of the Caribbean," very fun).
Dentist trip yielded one very bad report, one medium report and one
good report. Not to mention the news that one DS has missing teeth-- 2
adult teeth missing underneath the baby teeth. Strange, but not
uncommon, I guess.
For the last two weekends, I've been a participant in writing
marathons. A woman on momwriters (see Links page) decided she wanted
to get some serious writing done on her novel, so she said she was
going to be writing as much as she could between midnight Friday and
midnight Sunday, going for a goal of 10,000 words (10k). She invited
other novelwriters to join her, and now a group of us has been giving
it a go every weekend that we can. We announce our intention to write
5k, 10k, 15k or 20k that weekend on the yahoo group, then we write
like mad when the weekends come-- we don't just wait for the perfect
weekend with not social obligations-- we fit writing into our already
busy weekends, making use of time we might otherwise waste. The first
weekend, I added 4k to my novel, despite the fact that my twins turned
12 and I had to put on a birthday party for them with family coming
over, cooking and cleaning. Last weekend, I wrote 5k, even with DH's
birthday and a memorial service to attend.
An important part of the group is checking into the yahoo group on
your breaks to report in your word counts and support each other
enthusiastically. This really is motivating, and makes you feel like
you are really a part of a writing community, people writing at the
exact same time you are. The word count feature on my word processor
has become a much used tool for me. I use it to push myself... "I'll
take a break when I've written 1,000 words." And soon I'm seeing that
it doesn't take that much to write the 1,000 words!
I've always heard advice from writers, ways they trick themselves into
getting their writing done. That's what I feel like I'm doing when I
marathon-write-- I'm making a game of the writing, making it fun, and
the words keep coming!
Last night I spent three hours watching a caterpillar, waiting for it
to turn into a cocoon. You see, we've been raising Monarch butterflies
for the last few summers, finding eggs or tiny caterpillars on our
milkweed plant in the garden. Usually we have one caterpillar at a
time, feed it more milkweed leaves and watch it grow-- amazingly fast.
Then it cocoons, emerges as a butterfly after a week or so, and we
have fun letting the butterfly sit on or fingers until it flies away.
This summer, we found five eggs at once and decided to let them all
come into our aquarium. Only four of them hatched, and we had four fat
and hungry black-yellow-white striped caterpillars. Two of them
attached to the screen lid of the aquarium, and were all-of-a-sudden
chrysalis. The other two were catching up, still eating and pooping in
great quantities, and then they too attached themselves to the lid,
and started hanging like little Js, comma-style, last night. I came in
from watering the garden at 9:00 pm to find DH peering into the cage,
and the caterpillars would be still, then writhe a bit, then be still.
I really wanted to see them go from caterpillar to chrysalis, because
I've had the process described to me and I never could picture it.
Hence, I developed quite a good crick in my neck, peering into the
aquarium for three hours before finally giving up at midnight and
going to bed. I was sure they would go through their transformation
the minute I left!
But this morning, they were still caterpillar-commas. I went off to
the farmer's market and came back. Commas still! But I sat down and
watched for another half hour, and there seemed to be some changes
happening. A lot more gentle wriggles, just enough to keep me
watching. Then one of them got straighter, and his tail end (attached
to the screen) began pulsing up and down in a very purposeful fashion.
The pulses got more forceful, and after about 30 seconds the skin on
the back of the "neck" (the outward curve of the comma) split in half,
and you could see the green of the chrysalis (actually it's the pupa
at this stage) coming through the split. After much writhing and
wrenching, the dry striped skin of the caterpillar worked it's way up
to the tail, and the green pupa twirled and twirled until the skin
fell off. The pupa looked like the chrysalis was covering about the
bottom third of it, an opaque sea-mist green, and the top half of the
pupa looked yellowish and transparent enough to see a striped creature
inside. The opaque-greenness eventually creeped higher and higher up
the pupa (with more wriggling). It probably took 20 minutes for the
pupa to look like a regular opaque chrysalis. It was really an amazing
process to witness!
DH had been asleep through this transformation, but the other
caterpillar looked like it was on the brink, so I called him down.
After about 10 minutes, it started pulsing at its tail end. He got to
see it! He took some digital photos, so if they turn out, I'll post a
link here.
And now I have a writing marathon to get going on!
Where has the time gone? Over the weekend, DS & DD turned 12, and I
think I'm ready for that. So close to being teens, at least in age if
not in behavior yet (yay!). I'm sure I'll start to see inklings over
the next year... so far, both of them want to hang onto childhood and
are not smitten with the dazzlements of teenhood yet. I'm sure it's
coming...
Today was just very pleasant and summery. We have not been doing much
of anything this summer, just hanging out together (the privilege of
being a stay-at-home mom). We haven't gone to the beach hardly at
all-- we haven't had any of the usual heat waves this summer. But
today we did go, to one of our great beachy lakes in the city. I took
my kids, an extra friend for each of my DS's, and then we met up with
another mom at the beach so now DD had a friend too, and another boy
to add to the mix. Everyone played great together, and it was just
Pleasant. Temps in the 80's, a breeze, the beach wasn't crowded.
Except for a group of girls who tried to torment our girls (they got a
talking to by the lifeguard), it really turned out great. And I got to
talk to another mom for a few hours-- a social life for me!
We will have to get in a few more days at the beach before the summer
is over.