MY BOGGY BLOG: find your way through the murk

Brrrrr!

Okay, maybe it's cliche, but when in doubt, talk about the weather. At least in Minnesota it holds true... you can always engage a complete stranger in the bonding talk of weather, especially at its extremes. Today it is currently -7 degrees, -24 degrees windchill. I don't think the high is supposed to get above zero. It really doesn't seem that bad when I've gone outside in the dash between house and car. Our van heats up pretty fast. But in the house is where I'm noticing the cold most. I'm not one to crank the thermostat up, the Scrooge in me liking the frugality of 66 degrees during the day. I was raised during the energy crises of the 70's, with the "just put on a sweater" mentality. (Somebody else in the house has been playing with the thermostat, though, I sometimes see.) Yesterday night I piled up blankets on myself while I sat down to watch a movie, and in the warmth of it all, promptly fell asleep. Well, I am still fighting off that cold.

I've been in a funk this week and had a good sit down with myself and my journal while younger DS had his gymnastics class at Hamline. It was very good for me to be introspective, to take the time to think about bigger issues in my life. Like why do I still always feel so bad about myself? And what do I want to do with my writing-- do I still want it to be the focus of my life? I realized looking at the college kids at the university yesterday that when I was their age, I felt bad about myself and I still do today. A lot of messed up stuff from my childhood, but when I started to think about the things I feel badly about myself, then and now, that none of it had anything to do with reality. It was a lot of perfectionistic, judgemental thinking with no understanding of the reality of who I am and what I do. It is hard for me to break away from the negative thoughts about myself. But it really did help me to think about myself 20 years ago, and today, and I realized I do not want to feel this way still 20 years from now!

I'm going inward right now, thinking about stuff. My writing is something I still want in my life, but I realize that I've been very outward focused with it, tied in with my perfectionism, and focusing on publication has really given me a huge procrastinatey block. I spend a lot of time running away from my writing. The outward focus, the wanting to prove myself to the world, just takes me away from the real joy I feel with a notebook and pen, writing and expressing myself. So that is what I want to get back to. Not to say I won't ever try to be published. But I need to really really write for me, for the joy of it, for the discovery, for the fun of telling stories. It's a shift. And I hope it helps.