MY BOGGY BLOG: find your way through the murk

Hurricanes of Feelings

Emotionally, it's been a tough week. It feels like anger is making my body burn and glow red, and adrenaline is pulsing through me in megawatts. I alternate between this and sadness, deep sadness that probably goes back to my childhood, but also relates to the thing that are going on in my life right now. And I can't really talk about much of it here right now, maybe later. It has to do with DH's business partner, it has to do with our church and its politics and policies. With our schools, too, and the state of the world, if I think about it long enough.

I was not raised to really feel my feelings. Feelings were something to sweep under the rug, to Control, to hide, to make sure nobody knew you were having them because then What Might They Think? What They Thought (They being the eyes of the world outside our family) was so important. So best not have feelings, show feelings, or make yourself vulnerable. Then you wouldn't get hurt.

Well, it was a lie. All those feelings and my automatic reaction to not show them now are something I must deal with. Old feelings, lots of feelings to explore and dig through. And when a hurricane of feelings comes up like it has this last week, then I get all stressed out. I'm yelling in my head. I'm trying to distract myself with my old friend, Food. Or TV, or the Internet. But it doesn't really work, and that's the problem.

Ah, feelings. I'll get the hang of them one of these days.